You're Not Sorry.

         I've realized that behind every face, every smile, and every tear lies a story. The story to be told is beyond different in every circumstance I've come across everything: parentless, drug dealer, heart broken, assaulted, etc. We all have a story either told or untold. The hardest thing is finding people caring enough to truly listen to YOUR story.
     "She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets. She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it. Says forgiveness ain't nothin but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul that never rolled. For as much as she stumbled, she's runnin, for as much as she runs she's still here, always hoping to find something quicker than heaven to make the damage of her days disappear."- Eli Young

        These past two weeks have been absolutely incredible. I've never felt so blessed to meet these new friends! We all clicked instantly. But the truth is behind all these smiles, laughs, and "good times," reality seems to shoot you right back in the foot. This morning I was reminded of the dad I wished I had, the dad I'm named after, the dad who has not been in my life at all for 4 months. Trying to hide the pain, I broke down, realizing I just want to forgive him. I want to forgive him, then forget him. I don't know how to legitly forgive an individual who has literally done so much damage to mine and my sibling's lives. My dad has not apologized for words he spoke. He therefore is not sorry for the words and hurt he has caused us all these years. I have realized this though, it is not destroying his life but mine. He has affected my life even without seeing or speaking to him. The fear I live with on a daily basis is what tears me apart the most. The fear of marrying, the fear of being with somebody who is like my dad, the fear of letting people in, the fear of broken promises, and the fear of being judged. I want to be freed. I want to learn forgiveness.

Learning How To Bend

Let God move through you.

“Some people wish, some people dance, some never take a chance, some people steal just for the thrill, and some drink to get their fill, some people preach, some people write, and just choose to just stay quiet, some people teach, some people roam, some would rather be alone, some people hurt, some people laugh, some people just don’t know what they have.” – Eli Young

I fall under every category…  I wish but never have faith. I dance but fear being judged. I never take a chance in fear of being hurt. I try and steal the spotlight just for some thrill. I have drunk to feel something more. I preach what I believe in. I write when I’m at loss of words. I stay quiet when I feel lost in the world. I teach but don’t like being taught. I roam in search of finding myself. I have come to accept the fact that I’ll be single forever. I hurt more than you’ll ever know. I laugh randomly. And I have taken my life for granted.

                For one cannot change the path they have already traveled, they can only choose a new one to walk upon. It’s nobody’s fault but mine for the road I have chosen. Although the path was not made of bad choices, it was a path of lost faith. When you lose faith, you tend to no longer believe in things including yourself. I’m about as hardheaded as they come these days… so my ways don’t change unless I truly seek change. Last night was an eye opener to say the least, but I still need a sign to believe. I’ve tried to find the faith that is gone from me for SEVERAL months but I haven’t been able to find my way. Then last night I met this group of people my sister had been doing bible studies with, and this particular guy named Brandon inspired me. He had literally just met me and only God knows why he opened up to me and told me how he became a believer. I was in pure aww last night with the story he told, I just wanted to sit and talk for hours (but that would’ve probably scared the poor guy, ha).  

                If you have ever had a serious talk with me, you often hear the words, “Everything happens for a reason.” I truly believe with all of my heart everything in life happens for a reason… every tear that rolls down your face, every joyful moment, every heartache, every rollercoaster, and every person that has EVER walked in/out of your life was all placed in that specific time for a reason, maybe just to help you find who you are, to test your beliefs, to learn a life lesson, or to just be a change in somebody’s life. Although you may never know the meaning behind every reason, just know it’s not meant for you to know then. With all that being said, I know feel that the meeting of those few people was all part of God’s strategic plan, and Brandon unbeknownst to him changed me slightly.

“I’m still learning how to pray, trying hard not to stray, try to see things your way, I’m still learning how to bend how to let you in, in a world full of tears, we’ll conquer all our fears, I’m just trying to understand, it’s all in someone else’s hands, there’s always been a bigger plan.” – Gary Allan